O for grace to trust Him more

I feel like I've been in a fog for the last few months.  I haven't felt like writing much, Instagram is definitely a lot more easy to just post tidbits of things that happen in my day to day.  I haven't had to think of the next post or worry about keeping people interested in checking in.  Which good grief that isn't what I set out to do with this journal anyways.  I just needed time to heal, time to spend with my family and just be.  Not being able to bring Sergey home was the shock of all shocks for our family.  Even though we knew of the political problems we were all facing it still didn't seem like it would come to pass.  We had overcome so much during those two years it felt like it was just one more thing we were going to have to face and triumphantly overcome, with God's help of course.  But it didn't end the way we thought and it was devastating to our family.  It has taken me a while to fully take it all in, talking with God a lot has helped me be able to fully trust Sergey's future to Him.  He was never mine to begin with.  I think that is even harder to grasp, never in all of this did I have one bit of control over the outcome.  I could not will him to be my son, although he will forever be my son in my heart, we did everything we could and then some. There's no denying how hard we tried.

He just turned five on August 18th ( hasn't he gotten so big?) and I have no idea what the future holds for him.  And honestly I can't let myself go there because that is a deep dark pit that I won't be able to dig myself out of.  I am very aware of how weak I can be as those waves of doubt flood over me, and in those moments I have to literally tell myself to stop and take hold of those thoughts and pray, "I trust you Lord".  When I see pictures of children three months after being institutionalized and they are barely unrecognizable, I feel my courage waiver and can only whisper a faint  "I still trust".  I take it day by day.

Our family has had time to grieve and we are moving forward but not forgetting.  We all still talk about Sergey, or Rowan as he was to be named after he was adopted.  Mostly we pray, we pray for a family to adopt him.  Adoption is not over for us, it has a special place in our hearts and there is such a great need for children to find families but we are waiting on God's timing.  Thank you to all of you that have prayed for us, donated of your time, gifts and finances and have supported us the whole way.  

Even though I don't understand why, I can't deny that through it all God was there and that every prayer was answered.  Looking back I can see Him in every aspect as He provided every penny we needed, every document that was obtained, the softened heart and favorable opinion of the judge, beautiful memories made with our sweet boy, and safety as we traveled to another country while 8 months pregnant.  He was there for it all, so even though the outcome didn't happen as we would have liked there is no denying that God was in all of it, so there in lies my trust. It was not all for nothing, there is a reason that I don't see or know at the moment and maybe someday I will get that "aha"moment and everything will make sense and I will know why and maybe I won't know until I get to Heaven but it comforts me to be able to look back and remember what we've come through and how He helped us through it all.

'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus"

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to take Him at His Word;

Just to rest upon His promise,

And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Refrain

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just to trust His cleansing blood;

And in simple faith to plunge me

’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Refrain

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus,

Just from sin and self to cease;

Just from Jesus simply taking

Life and rest, and joy and peace.

Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,

Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;

And I know that Thou art with me,

Wilt be with me to the end.

Refrain