As we hit yet another hurdle with documents I immediately go into stress mode...my faith is so weak. I feel weary of this paperwork mountain that constantly looms before me never ending. Frustrated with others, "why can't they just understand that we need this document right now?", "that a child is waiting for us to come and get him!". These are just a few thoughts that go through my mind and to be honest these are the nicer ones. We are so close and every time we get to almost being finished something else happens to throw it all off. I throw out a feeble and weary prayer to the King of Kings, not even giving Him the respect to come humbly before His courts to offer thanksgiving for all that He has blessed us with. Instead I question His every move, not even putting into consideration that He was the one who breathed us into creation and that He already knows every detail of what is going on. To Him it is already past tense.
As I wake up to an early morning phone call from a courier in CA telling me that our documents were rejected because the signature didn't match their records I immediately feel the anxiety overwhelm me. The questioning starts and I reduce my God to a disobedient employee. I take the kids to school all the while trying to figure out how to fix this mess, because of course I'm the only one who can fix this mess...right? Come home to sit down and do my devotion, to give God His 15 minutes of my day, but no more than that because I've got stuff to do. I open my daily devotion and precede to read...
PRAY AND BELIEVE
Mrs. Charles E. Cowman
"'When ye pray, believe.'"
When there is a matter that requires definite prayer, pray till you believe God, until with unfeigned lips you can thank Him for the answer. If the answer still tarries outwardly, do not pray for it in such a way that is evident that you are not definitely believing for it. Such a prayer, in place of being a help, will be a hindrance; and when you are finished praying, you will find that your faith has weakened or has entirely gone. Prayers that pray us out of faith deny both God's promise in His word and also His whisper "Yes," that He gave us in our hearts. Such prayers are but the expression of the unrest of one's heart, and unrest implies unbelief in reference to the answer to prayer. This prayer that prays ourselves out of faith frequently arises from centering our thoughts on the difficulty rather than on God's promise.
You will never learn faith in comfortable surroundings. God gives us the promises in a quiet hour; God seals our covenants with great and gracious words, then He steps back and waits to see how much we believe; then He lets the tempter come, and the test seems to contradict all that He has spoken. It is then that faith wins its crown. That is the time to look up through the storm, and among the trembling, frightened seamen cry, "I believe God that it shall be even as it was told me.
I reread this passage two more times and cringed each time. And at the same time felt so loved at His gentle correction that seriously cut me to the core.
So I am praying that I will not let all that contradicts the "Yes" He spoke to my heart almost two years ago rule my every thought and emotion and question my Lord's abilities. I want my faith to win it's crown.